Friday, September 18, 2009


HERE IT IS DAY 21 whats for dinner you ask its beef and broccoli stir fry. Do I feel better I would have to say over all Yes. did I make dinner every night no but most nights am I out of bed yes most days. Can I find the Joy in something yes I can and I found it doesn't have to be any bigger then a 2 tooth smile from my grandson.. am I healed no but my feet are on the path to healing which means they are on the floor not up in bed. I have had set backs but I have had a lot of forwards to. am I done blogging No I have found some thing new to blog about with my dinners I make what is it I will be doing.. cleaning my house one room at a time some thing I have not been able to do for months, You know that deep down cleaning like the base boards and light bulbs the doors and door jams. every closet every nook and cranny. how long will it take I am not sure it sounds over whelming right at this min but I am going to brake it down in to one thing one day. My Joy today I got to talk to mercy she is so uplifting and is such a big help, I don't use her real name because I should ask her if its OK before I do that.
I learned that 21 days brakes a habit not PTSD which really took a load off my mind because I thought I failed because I was not ALL BETTER.. but I will say in finding my JOY I found Hope and its true if you don't have HOPE you have nothing. if you have lost all hope start by finding your small joy in the day and you will see after a while your hope just shows up.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Ok lets start with dinner I made baked Ziti Supreme and steamed broccoli no desert husband said with all this cooking he has gained 10 lbs. How do I feel still not real good but am I getting better yes I think so I am able to sleep at least 5 hours a night in stead of none at all. I have to look hard to find my Joy but I have found some thing every day to make me smile. My Joy today to Hear my grandsons laughter when all I said was bo bo bo bo and I got a belly roll laugh from a 11 month old that you thought just heard the funnest thing in the whole world. He laughed so hard you had to laugh with him, he is my Joy. and I got a text message from my 15 year old granddaughter asking me if I have learned to text yet. and since I had to have my son show me how to find the text on my cell phone and he had to read to me what she wrote because I didn't have my glass's on. I laughed when I got on the computer and emailed her and said sorry honey old people don't know how to text.
Which now that I think about it this whole thing is amazing my grandmother just passed away 7 months ago she was 94. I tried to get her to email some one and you would have thought I brought black magic in to the house. In her day you just picked up the phone if you had one.

Monday, September 14, 2009


Its been 19 days now I didn't think I would make it at first BUT I did.. Just 2 more days to and it will be 21 days a few days missing but,like I said I had a few set backs. Do I feel better some times not all day but I am not in bed all day that is a big big change and I am sleeping about 5 hours a night and that is a big change, I am still talking to mercy and working through my PTSD.
as for dinner tonight its corn on the cob and chicken and a dinner salad. The kids have moved out that should be my joy today. but it wasn't. My Joy today was found hiding behind my grandsons smile, as I gave him a bath in the sink and he stood up and peeed clear a cross the kitchen, he had the biggest grin on his face like look what I can do.. How can you not laugh at that.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


Well for dinner tonight some thing special, big Mac's and Fry's.. OK I hear ya that's not home made but I did take it out of the bag and out of the box's and put them on plates and sat the table like I had made dinner. and we pretended I did. I don't feel very well today and my husband took pity on me and brought home dinner. am I getting better I think so I think to say this will only take 21 days was a little to short at first it sounded like a long time but right now I am not so sure, I did have a few set backs my mother died and the kids and there kids moved back home so I didn't get the time I needed so I am going to stay with this any way. wow I guess I have learned some thing some thing happens its a set back not an OH MY GOD LAY DOWN AND DIE. Did I find my Joy today yes my daughter in law has been wanting the baby who is now 11 months to say mamamamam but of course he says da da da da but today he did it. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee my self. He said mamamam all right but his tounge was hanging out and off the side and he crossed his eyes. Oh my God I am laughing thinking about that awfull face he was making as he was saying mamamama My daughter in law just hung her head and said why is he making that face saying mamam she now wants him to say da da da

Friday, September 11, 2009


OK BUSTED AGAIN its been a few days since I signed in to do this but its been crazy around here. My daughter in law is 9 months due and ready to pop any min plus she has a 11 month old we are chasing after and when I say chasing I mean chasing you call him and he will turn his head look at you and RUN THE OTHER WAY. I don't feel good and his mama doesn't feel good and I think he knows it, so he trys to get away with a lot. Plus being grandma what I think is cute and he should eat and what his mama thinks is cute and he should NOT eat will lets just say grandma sneaks him a lot of stuff, but I feel that is a grandma's Job, what happens at grandma's stays at grandma's. So for dinner tonight is a chicken salad easy to fix and a one bowl deal. desert ice cream. I just pray my daughter in law doesn't notice all the little bites taken out of the ice cream that her 11 month old had.. I have no clue why he wouldn't go to bed last night or why he runs after me when I head for the kitchen, I am just glad he cant talk. and I do make sure we wash down what ever he eats with a little water or formula so mama cant smell his breath..
My Joy to day getting to talk to mercy who has really instilled in me there is life after PTSD
That if you look hard enough you can find Joy in some small thing. I was feeding my grandson a bottle and I looked down at him and he was just staring at me our eyes met he never looked away, and as I stared back at him I asked him "what do you see baby boy" and he just looked at me, like I was some one I don't know and I would like to get to know that person that baby See's

Monday, September 7, 2009


OK OK I know its been a few days I am going to call them just lost days of mess. am I still working on my PTSD yes I am Very hard and its hard work. I still don't have my neck in right so my head hurts but I am up and today I made my shopping list and its back to dinner and desert.
dinner a chicken stir fry desert strawberry cheese cake. I am tired and working hard to learn to sleep at night. with all that has gone on and all the stress of this last week I have to say since I started this 16 days ago I think I am getting better, If I can get my weight down and my head to stop hurting and sleep a little more I will be doing great. This healing PTSD is a lot of work but it took a lot of work to get us here, I was mad for a long long time some one else did this to me and now I suffer for it and not only do I suffer for it its my Job to work my way out. THAT'S NOT FAIR.. but yelling and screaming that didn't help. I had to look at it different I survived, some of the kids in our family didn't, I learned and I am a good person I desire to live and be happy. BE HAPPY.. That's the big one and some times we have to Learn to be happy.
My joy today I got a big smile from my grandson and I know it was for me not the cookie I was holding for him..

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


OK SORRY EVERY ONE if any one is reading this I missed day 14, my mother died she was the reason I have PTSD and it has thrown me for a loop plus the same day my brothers house almost got burnt down, then my son and his wife their 10 month old baby and she is due in 2 weeks had to move in with us, so needless to say STRESS STRESS STRESS.. but I got up and I made dinner last night fry ed chicken mashed potatoes Garvey. and chocolate pudding with a toddler at my feet, and my son very unhappy. did I feel like getting up today no but I did .. did I make dinner tonight yes was is fancy no but it was dinner pigs in a blanket and mac and cheese.
do I want to give up yes.. am I going to NO HELL NO.. We all have set backs but move on so that is what I am going to do move on. That is what we need to do with PTSD is move on get up. OK we are sick and don't want to move DON'T LET THEM WIN.. we have all ready won we survived life goes go. so let your life be happy not sad. Did I find Joy today yes I did I watched my grandson who is 10 months old walk clear across the room by him self and be so proud he did that one thing. I smiled.. OK to be honest did I smile when we gave him a bath in the kitchen sick and he stood up and shot pee clear across the contour Hmmm Yes I did because again he gave the look as if to say LOOK WHAT I CAN GO.. How can you not laugh at that..