DAY 12 WORTHING THROUGH PTSD

12 days its seems like longer I am really working at fighting this, I made dinner last night it was left overs but I made it look fresh and taste good, today has been a long day we had a death in the family and the family is all in a up roar and attacking each other which doesn't help my PTSD but I have learned to take a step back and say do what is right for me. Let them fight let them fix. I am no longer in that roll. and that is a big change for me and hard because I want to jump right in and fix it but I am taking all my power to stay out of it. That is better for me they will figure it out.

DAY 11 WORKING THROUGH PTSD

I hate to sound down today but I am I felt like doing nothing. worse I had no energy to do nothing. My weight issue is getting HUGE.. I AM HUGE. But I did find some Joy today I talked to my daughter of the phone for 3 hours she makes me laugh. in tell she told me she is huge at a whooping 140 lbs Lucky her.. I did make dinner and there was desert left from last night so husband had that. Please don't think no wonder she is gaining weight she is eating all this food because I am not eating it I am making it. if you are have PTSD and have a weight issue its because of the PTSD not what your putting in your mouth in less you are over eating. Me I eat less then 600 calories a day and gain weight. Mercy will call me tomorrow and help me out with this huge issue so I do have something to look forward to.

Day 10 WORKING THROUGH PTSD

Day 10 wow and 11 to go, was today easy no there was a lot of stress with in the family I didn't handle it very well and it triggered me to have a PTSD attack hard and stay in it most of the day.
but I made my self make dinner and desert any way and of course on the worse day I picked a desert that took 4 hours to make its called a sweet petal and its all home made dough you have to let rise twice and then cook but for dinner I made that easy I made spaghetti, How do I feel I didn't get much sleep last night because of the family stress but if I really think about it I must feel better because I didn't stay in bed all day or I didn't spend the day crying. I just kept moving. I emailed mercy to get a little help to get through this hard time and of course she came through for me. I cant seem to handle any more stress in my life but when its your kids you cant just cut them off. I will see what tomorrow brings.

DAY 9 WORKING THROUGH PTSD

HEY I THINK THIS IS WORKING... I slept last night and decided this morning to make a goal for today and see if that goal will bring me Joy and it did I know my goal is to make dinner every night but I felt so good this morning I decided to add to it today. so I decide to clean my house I am a clean freak and have not had the energy or felt up to cleaning it. I knew I would not be able to clean all day an 8 hour day like I used to so I set the oven timer for 3 hours. and to see if I could clean for just 3 hours and how much I could get done but I was going to hurry hurry hurry I was going to take my time. well I got 3 bathrooms cleaned and my bed room and the kitchen and the house dusted. doesn't sound like a lot but when I clean I clean the the light bulbs I dust over the top of doors I wash walls and always mop the floors on my hands and knees. I thought it would take me 3 hours just to do one bath room did I find joy in doing that yes i did I am very proud of my self and yes I made dinner T bone steak fresh string beans and baked potoes. ice cream for desert. and you know I feel better today My weight is still up there and is a big issue with me but I didn't feel like laying down. I cant wait for tomorrow what a big change.

DAY 8 WORKING THROUGH PTSD

DEEP SIGH... Its been 8 days now I have found some kind of Joy in each day and made dinner to many it might not sound like a big deal but to me its HUGE. For dinner tonight its Lemon chicken - corn on the cob- desert pudding. Did I find my Joy today yes I did My daughter who lives in another state got her birthday gift I sent her today, and she called and thanked me. The gift I sent her was Her baby blanket that my grandma made her. My daughter was my grandmas first great grandchild, and my daughter always called it her great grandma blanket I have saved it for over 32 years well my daughter wont be happy but its her 32 birthday she thinks she is old I hope she doesn't read this. We just lost grandma jan of 2009 she was 94 years old. It was an awful awful loss for me she was smart and pretty. and lived on her own in tell she passed she was truly a lady and any thing good I got out of my child hood came from her and her love. So I found Joy today in knowing my daughter got to know my grandma and love her as much as I did and my daughters daughter got to know her great great grandma My granddaughter who is now 15 will always remember her great great grandma she will tell you she made GREAT OAT MEAL.. So in stead of tears being shed over the loss of this wonderful women I got a huge smile when my daughter called and said Thank you mom for my great grandma blanket.
It was hard to let that blanket leave my hands but it was not mine to keep. I know in my heart my grandma found Joy in that to where ever she is.

DAY 7 WORKING THROUGH PTSD

Ok here it is a week has gone by. Made dinner every night even if it was left overs. I made it I LIVED.. Some days I didnt think I could do it but I did. Tonight I made velveeta cheesy chicken broccoli macaroni dish it was easy to make but hard to clean up it stuck to the pan. Now you ask did I find my Joy today yes I did I talked with my sister who lives in a different state we have never met, we had the same bio-father I was not raised with him. she was. He is gone now but we found each other and to make a long long story short we email each other every day but today she called me and we talked and laughed YES I LAUGHED for hours. I have not Laughed in such a long time. It felt good to talk and compare our kids and our ailments. Plus last night after I had signed off of here, my 10 month old grandson and his father my son where at the door. I watched the baby for him so he could go and visit a friend for an hour. My grandson's smile when he saw me was My Joy for last night and I got a bigger Joy out of giving him a cookie at 9:00 at night ha ha its fun to be grandma.. wonder what time the sugar ware off so he could fall asleep.. now that right there will but a smile on any moms face or grandma's... what happens at grandmas stays at grandmas.. I am just glad he cant talk yet and tell on me for giving him a cookie so late at night.. wow I think I am feeling better and for the first time in a long time I am wondering what tomorrow will bring in stead of dreading tomorrow.

Day 6 working through PTSD

I have made it 6 days now I have to say today was a little easier. Like I said some thing is starting to shift and I hope it continues, I slept again last night 2 nights in a row what a miracle that is. I made dinner tonight all do french dip roast beef sandwiches and a cake for desert. I even manged to go to the store, and read some things on the computer. I got out of bed and have not been back to lay down all day. I found the Joy in my husband loving the fact he is getting a hot home made dinner every night. I found a little energy to even iron his work shirts did I find joy in ironing funny thing is I did. because it makes him look and feel good which in return made me feel good. All so I found a card by the coffee pot this morning for me from my husband telling me what a good job I am doing. do I feel perfect no not by far but will I YES YES I WILL and I never thought I would say that. I am hoping to get a good nights sleep tonight to tomorrow I can go and pick up my 10 month old grandson and watch him for a while to see what I can learn from him again or just to watch him smile because he learned some thing new how can you not find Joy in that.