Day 4 still looking to work through this PTSD

Well here we are on day 4 I have to admit I dreaded today because I knew I had to leave my bed at 9 in the morning and I really don't feel well but have made my mind up I will make dinner every night but today I have a doctors appointment at 4;00 so there was no way I could get home on time and make dinner and desert. I was making bar-b-Que pork sandwich's and the pork roasts have to cook on the gas grill for at least 2 hours, on top of that for desert it was a toffee cake all home made so that would take at least an hour and half. I drug my self out of bed wondering if all of this was a good idea. The not feeling well the foggy brain I thought I cant live like this any more. I remembered my grandson after falling down getting back up and trying to walk again so dinner was going to be made, I got the pork on the grill and started dessert I emailed mercy for some words of wisdom which I got I feel she is my own personal cheer leader and if any one is ever going to recover from PTSD I think you need a cheer leader like her.
The pork was done in two hours I shredded it and put it in the crock pot with the bar-b-Que sauce and put the lid on desert came out of the oven and there at 12 o'clock dinner and desert was done did I still feel tired and sick yes. But I also felt the joy of doing it I made it and still could go to the doctor be home at 5;30 and have dinner on the table. I am learning you cant just will your self better or plop your hinny in front of a doctor and say fix me. You have to learn how to fix your self am I there yet no not even close but what is there now is hope I had lost all hope and now even when I cant feel the joy there is hope that I will find some kind of Joy each day.
When I was at the doctors a lady smiled at me I wonder did she know I met my goal today I made dinner.

DAY 3 TRYING TO WORK THROUGH PTSD

Well its day 3 and I didn't spend it in bed all day. Mercy is the name of the lady who is helping me through this very awful PTSD. I call her Mercy because she not only told me there is a way out she is taking my hand and showing me the way out and I feel that is so important not to just understand PTSD and say yes I feel like that to but to have some one say Hey I made it through let me help you. Mercy its showing some one Mercy so I feel that is a good name for her.
I have 21 days to brake the pattern of staying in bed and feeling sick. I was going to cook dinner for 21 days straight which is a big deal if you feel the way I do. But since I cooked for 2 nights we have left overs so to I found Joy in watching my 10 month old grandson did I have the energy NO, did I feel good NO, but I took care of him for 6 hours played with him and watched him smile, I watched him try and walk he took 5 steps and was so proud of him self he looked at me with eyes wide open his eye brows went up and down as to say HEY LOOK WHAT I JUST DID.
did I feel Joy no, I felt sad when he fall down and was disappointed and mad at him self and I thought just stay down you wont fall and get hurt that way and you can crawl. and it hit me OH MY GOD THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING. Just staying down and not even trying to crawl, as I watched him he tried again took a few steps and I found my self smiling hey I don't feel good and I am so wore out but I found some joy in the day. a 10 month old baby taught me to not give up just cause you fall just get up and try again. So tomorrow I will get up and try again and see if I can find Joy in the day. Wonder what I will make for dinner ? see you tomorrow

WORKING THROUGH PTSD

TODAY IS AUGUST 19 2009, no sleep but I will make dinner it took me all day to get out of bed I wonder is this going to work I emailed my friend who was the hand of mercy to hold mine and to say this will work I have done it. Her name is now Mercy. she said it takes time remember 21 days. I see no joy in wanting to get out of bed and cook dinner I only feel sick and want to lay down. but I did it I made pizza casserole and a salad I didn't think so at the time I was making it but when I saw my husbands eyes light up wow a home made dinner again I saw the Joy. and felt a little proud OK so I am still in my PJ's but 2 dinners down I hope this works.

WORKING THROUGH PTSD.

Today is Aug18 2009 I want to first say I have had PTSD for 48 and half years. It got to the point were 6 years ago I could no longer get out of bed all the child hood trauma haunted me every min of every day and night. I say night because with the PTSD which is bad enough I have insomnia the longest I went with out sleep 17 days. do I take meds yes by the hands full do they work NO. I finally found some one to help me out of my coma self hating sick body and mind. I have only just started this so every day will be new. I have decided to cook dinner every night for 21 days. To brake the cycle of dread and to make be put a crack in the darkness. They say you cant go to any kind of doctor or meds to fix this thing called PTSD you have to fight your way out and how do you do that when you have no fight left. That is why I am calling my blog Mercy because some one reached out to me and showed me mercy and is trying to help me fight my way back.. Back is really not the right word more like move forward find my way out of this awful feeling. So today and it took me all day I got up and got out my recipes and made a list, drug my self to the store and tonight I am making cashew chicken and cumber salad. Its all about finding Joy some thing in the Day that brings you a small amount of Joy. This is not easy because I don't feel Joyful I feel sick and tired fatigued and my mind is in a fog. But I got Joy out of watching my husband eat a home cooked meal. so one day down and twenty to go. I am told it takes 21 days to brake a pattern is PTSD a Pattern I don't know all I know is the old tapes running in my head seem to be so I am going to try and change the channel.