well here we are on day 5 I cant say I feel any better but there has been some kind of shift. I slept 12 hours last night and today I have not slept that long for while over 7 years. I didn't want to get up. But my guardian angel Mercy as I call her was going to call at 1:30 and there was no way I was going to miss that call. We talked what a blessing she is I found Joy in talking to her. When I hung up the phone I thought there is no way I can cook dinner I am tired sleeping 2 hours a night and some times going days with out sleep that 12 hours was wonderful and I wanted more more more. But I planted my feet firm and decided even though the dinner I picked for tonight was hard I WAS going to do it, I feel one missed day will lead to many and not brake the pattern. so I did it I made stuffed beef rolls sounds easy but takes over an hour to make and stuff and then an hour to bake. But I did it and I am proud of my self for doing that.
I am starting to wonder what else can I do if I put my mind to it my mind has been such an enemy of mine I have been for years trying not to think not to feel those things don't feel good and the thoughts are bad. but I see after 5 days that good can come out of this. its slowly happening I feel like a baby chick tiring to crack my egg shell to get the hell out of that awful space. I really like the story of the butterfly. do you know how hard it is and painful to become a butterfly. You start out as a Caterpillar and crawl around and eat and when you feel your ready you build a cocoon a round your self and hang around on some branch for a while and in side that cocoon that poor Caterpillar starts to brake apart and pull and stretch its body has to change how painful to crack open and parts of your body fall off and you grow wings then your to big for your cocoon so you have to now eat your way out of your nest you must have felt safe in when you made it. but then it happens out you pop and you spread your wings and the sun drys them and you are no longer crawling on the ground you are flying. That's what I want to fly.