Sunday, August 30, 2009


I FAILED I didn't make dinner last night I was just to tired I don't want to lie and say I did when I didn't. but I will get right back up start again do I feel like it no I all most feel like I am starting over but I know now what stress can do to you that is why you must learn to deal with the stress. so what is for dinner T bones and baked potoes and string beans. I have made that once in the last 13 days again but it sounds good and easy to get back started on life.


12 days its seems like longer I am really working at fighting this, I made dinner last night it was left overs but I made it look fresh and taste good, today has been a long day we had a death in the family and the family is all in a up roar and attacking each other which doesn't help my PTSD but I have learned to take a step back and say do what is right for me. Let them fight let them fix. I am no longer in that roll. and that is a big change for me and hard because I want to jump right in and fix it but I am taking all my power to stay out of it. That is better for me they will figure it out.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


I hate to sound down today but I am I felt like doing nothing. worse I had no energy to do nothing. My weight issue is getting HUGE.. I AM HUGE. But I did find some Joy today I talked to my daughter of the phone for 3 hours she makes me laugh. in tell she told me she is huge at a whooping 140 lbs Lucky her.. I did make dinner and there was desert left from last night so husband had that. Please don't think no wonder she is gaining weight she is eating all this food because I am not eating it I am making it. if you are have PTSD and have a weight issue its because of the PTSD not what your putting in your mouth in less you are over eating. Me I eat less then 600 calories a day and gain weight. Mercy will call me tomorrow and help me out with this huge issue so I do have something to look forward to.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Day 10 wow and 11 to go, was today easy no there was a lot of stress with in the family I didn't handle it very well and it triggered me to have a PTSD attack hard and stay in it most of the day.
but I made my self make dinner and desert any way and of course on the worse day I picked a desert that took 4 hours to make its called a sweet petal and its all home made dough you have to let rise twice and then cook but for dinner I made that easy I made spaghetti, How do I feel I didn't get much sleep last night because of the family stress but if I really think about it I must feel better because I didn't stay in bed all day or I didn't spend the day crying. I just kept moving. I emailed mercy to get a little help to get through this hard time and of course she came through for me. I cant seem to handle any more stress in my life but when its your kids you cant just cut them off. I will see what tomorrow brings.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


HEY I THINK THIS IS WORKING... I slept last night and decided this morning to make a goal for today and see if that goal will bring me Joy and it did I know my goal is to make dinner every night but I felt so good this morning I decided to add to it today. so I decide to clean my house I am a clean freak and have not had the energy or felt up to cleaning it. I knew I would not be able to clean all day an 8 hour day like I used to so I set the oven timer for 3 hours. and to see if I could clean for just 3 hours and how much I could get done but I was going to hurry hurry hurry I was going to take my time. well I got 3 bathrooms cleaned and my bed room and the kitchen and the house dusted. doesn't sound like a lot but when I clean I clean the the light bulbs I dust over the top of doors I wash walls and always mop the floors on my hands and knees. I thought it would take me 3 hours just to do one bath room did I find joy in doing that yes i did I am very proud of my self and yes I made dinner T bone steak fresh string beans and baked potoes. ice cream for desert. and you know I feel better today My weight is still up there and is a big issue with me but I didn't feel like laying down. I cant wait for tomorrow what a big change.

Monday, August 24, 2009


DEEP SIGH... Its been 8 days now I have found some kind of Joy in each day and made dinner to many it might not sound like a big deal but to me its HUGE. For dinner tonight its Lemon chicken - corn on the cob- desert pudding. Did I find my Joy today yes I did My daughter who lives in another state got her birthday gift I sent her today, and she called and thanked me. The gift I sent her was Her baby blanket that my grandma made her. My daughter was my grandmas first great grandchild, and my daughter always called it her great grandma blanket I have saved it for over 32 years well my daughter wont be happy but its her 32 birthday she thinks she is old I hope she doesn't read this. We just lost grandma jan of 2009 she was 94 years old. It was an awful awful loss for me she was smart and pretty. and lived on her own in tell she passed she was truly a lady and any thing good I got out of my child hood came from her and her love. So I found Joy today in knowing my daughter got to know my grandma and love her as much as I did and my daughters daughter got to know her great great grandma My granddaughter who is now 15 will always remember her great great grandma she will tell you she made GREAT OAT MEAL.. So in stead of tears being shed over the loss of this wonderful women I got a huge smile when my daughter called and said Thank you mom for my great grandma blanket.
It was hard to let that blanket leave my hands but it was not mine to keep. I know in my heart my grandma found Joy in that to where ever she is.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Ok here it is a week has gone by. Made dinner every night even if it was left overs. I made it I LIVED.. Some days I didnt think I could do it but I did. Tonight I made velveeta cheesy chicken broccoli macaroni dish it was easy to make but hard to clean up it stuck to the pan. Now you ask did I find my Joy today yes I did I talked with my sister who lives in a different state we have never met, we had the same bio-father I was not raised with him. she was. He is gone now but we found each other and to make a long long story short we email each other every day but today she called me and we talked and laughed YES I LAUGHED for hours. I have not Laughed in such a long time. It felt good to talk and compare our kids and our ailments. Plus last night after I had signed off of here, my 10 month old grandson and his father my son where at the door. I watched the baby for him so he could go and visit a friend for an hour. My grandson's smile when he saw me was My Joy for last night and I got a bigger Joy out of giving him a cookie at 9:00 at night ha ha its fun to be grandma.. wonder what time the sugar ware off so he could fall asleep.. now that right there will but a smile on any moms face or grandma's... what happens at grandmas stays at grandmas.. I am just glad he cant talk yet and tell on me for giving him a cookie so late at night.. wow I think I am feeling better and for the first time in a long time I am wondering what tomorrow will bring in stead of dreading tomorrow.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Day 6 working through PTSD

I have made it 6 days now I have to say today was a little easier. Like I said some thing is starting to shift and I hope it continues, I slept again last night 2 nights in a row what a miracle that is. I made dinner tonight all do french dip roast beef sandwiches and a cake for desert. I even manged to go to the store, and read some things on the computer. I got out of bed and have not been back to lay down all day. I found the Joy in my husband loving the fact he is getting a hot home made dinner every night. I found a little energy to even iron his work shirts did I find joy in ironing funny thing is I did. because it makes him look and feel good which in return made me feel good. All so I found a card by the coffee pot this morning for me from my husband telling me what a good job I am doing. do I feel perfect no not by far but will I YES YES I WILL and I never thought I would say that. I am hoping to get a good nights sleep tonight to tomorrow I can go and pick up my 10 month old grandson and watch him for a while to see what I can learn from him again or just to watch him smile because he learned some thing new how can you not find Joy in that.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Day 5 working through PTSD

well here we are on day 5 I cant say I feel any better but there has been some kind of shift. I slept 12 hours last night and today I have not slept that long for while over 7 years. I didn't want to get up. But my guardian angel Mercy as I call her was going to call at 1:30 and there was no way I was going to miss that call. We talked what a blessing she is I found Joy in talking to her. When I hung up the phone I thought there is no way I can cook dinner I am tired sleeping 2 hours a night and some times going days with out sleep that 12 hours was wonderful and I wanted more more more. But I planted my feet firm and decided even though the dinner I picked for tonight was hard I WAS going to do it, I feel one missed day will lead to many and not brake the pattern. so I did it I made stuffed beef rolls sounds easy but takes over an hour to make and stuff and then an hour to bake. But I did it and I am proud of my self for doing that.
I am starting to wonder what else can I do if I put my mind to it my mind has been such an enemy of mine I have been for years trying not to think not to feel those things don't feel good and the thoughts are bad. but I see after 5 days that good can come out of this. its slowly happening I feel like a baby chick tiring to crack my egg shell to get the hell out of that awful space. I really like the story of the butterfly. do you know how hard it is and painful to become a butterfly. You start out as a Caterpillar and crawl around and eat and when you feel your ready you build a cocoon a round your self and hang around on some branch for a while and in side that cocoon that poor Caterpillar starts to brake apart and pull and stretch its body has to change how painful to crack open and parts of your body fall off and you grow wings then your to big for your cocoon so you have to now eat your way out of your nest you must have felt safe in when you made it. but then it happens out you pop and you spread your wings and the sun drys them and you are no longer crawling on the ground you are flying. That's what I want to fly.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Day 4 still looking to work through this PTSD

Well here we are on day 4 I have to admit I dreaded today because I knew I had to leave my bed at 9 in the morning and I really don't feel well but have made my mind up I will make dinner every night but today I have a doctors appointment at 4;00 so there was no way I could get home on time and make dinner and desert. I was making bar-b-Que pork sandwich's and the pork roasts have to cook on the gas grill for at least 2 hours, on top of that for desert it was a toffee cake all home made so that would take at least an hour and half. I drug my self out of bed wondering if all of this was a good idea. The not feeling well the foggy brain I thought I cant live like this any more. I remembered my grandson after falling down getting back up and trying to walk again so dinner was going to be made, I got the pork on the grill and started dessert I emailed mercy for some words of wisdom which I got I feel she is my own personal cheer leader and if any one is ever going to recover from PTSD I think you need a cheer leader like her.
The pork was done in two hours I shredded it and put it in the crock pot with the bar-b-Que sauce and put the lid on desert came out of the oven and there at 12 o'clock dinner and desert was done did I still feel tired and sick yes. But I also felt the joy of doing it I made it and still could go to the doctor be home at 5;30 and have dinner on the table. I am learning you cant just will your self better or plop your hinny in front of a doctor and say fix me. You have to learn how to fix your self am I there yet no not even close but what is there now is hope I had lost all hope and now even when I cant feel the joy there is hope that I will find some kind of Joy each day.
When I was at the doctors a lady smiled at me I wonder did she know I met my goal today I made dinner.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Well its day 3 and I didn't spend it in bed all day. Mercy is the name of the lady who is helping me through this very awful PTSD. I call her Mercy because she not only told me there is a way out she is taking my hand and showing me the way out and I feel that is so important not to just understand PTSD and say yes I feel like that to but to have some one say Hey I made it through let me help you. Mercy its showing some one Mercy so I feel that is a good name for her.
I have 21 days to brake the pattern of staying in bed and feeling sick. I was going to cook dinner for 21 days straight which is a big deal if you feel the way I do. But since I cooked for 2 nights we have left overs so to I found Joy in watching my 10 month old grandson did I have the energy NO, did I feel good NO, but I took care of him for 6 hours played with him and watched him smile, I watched him try and walk he took 5 steps and was so proud of him self he looked at me with eyes wide open his eye brows went up and down as to say HEY LOOK WHAT I JUST DID.
did I feel Joy no, I felt sad when he fall down and was disappointed and mad at him self and I thought just stay down you wont fall and get hurt that way and you can crawl. and it hit me OH MY GOD THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING. Just staying down and not even trying to crawl, as I watched him he tried again took a few steps and I found my self smiling hey I don't feel good and I am so wore out but I found some joy in the day. a 10 month old baby taught me to not give up just cause you fall just get up and try again. So tomorrow I will get up and try again and see if I can find Joy in the day. Wonder what I will make for dinner ? see you tomorrow

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


TODAY IS AUGUST 19 2009, no sleep but I will make dinner it took me all day to get out of bed I wonder is this going to work I emailed my friend who was the hand of mercy to hold mine and to say this will work I have done it. Her name is now Mercy. she said it takes time remember 21 days. I see no joy in wanting to get out of bed and cook dinner I only feel sick and want to lay down. but I did it I made pizza casserole and a salad I didn't think so at the time I was making it but when I saw my husbands eyes light up wow a home made dinner again I saw the Joy. and felt a little proud OK so I am still in my PJ's but 2 dinners down I hope this works.


Today is Aug18 2009 I want to first say I have had PTSD for 48 and half years. It got to the point were 6 years ago I could no longer get out of bed all the child hood trauma haunted me every min of every day and night. I say night because with the PTSD which is bad enough I have insomnia the longest I went with out sleep 17 days. do I take meds yes by the hands full do they work NO. I finally found some one to help me out of my coma self hating sick body and mind. I have only just started this so every day will be new. I have decided to cook dinner every night for 21 days. To brake the cycle of dread and to make be put a crack in the darkness. They say you cant go to any kind of doctor or meds to fix this thing called PTSD you have to fight your way out and how do you do that when you have no fight left. That is why I am calling my blog Mercy because some one reached out to me and showed me mercy and is trying to help me fight my way back.. Back is really not the right word more like move forward find my way out of this awful feeling. So today and it took me all day I got up and got out my recipes and made a list, drug my self to the store and tonight I am making cashew chicken and cumber salad. Its all about finding Joy some thing in the Day that brings you a small amount of Joy. This is not easy because I don't feel Joyful I feel sick and tired fatigued and my mind is in a fog. But I got Joy out of watching my husband eat a home cooked meal. so one day down and twenty to go. I am told it takes 21 days to brake a pattern is PTSD a Pattern I don't know all I know is the old tapes running in my head seem to be so I am going to try and change the channel.