Friday, September 18, 2009


HERE IT IS DAY 21 whats for dinner you ask its beef and broccoli stir fry. Do I feel better I would have to say over all Yes. did I make dinner every night no but most nights am I out of bed yes most days. Can I find the Joy in something yes I can and I found it doesn't have to be any bigger then a 2 tooth smile from my grandson.. am I healed no but my feet are on the path to healing which means they are on the floor not up in bed. I have had set backs but I have had a lot of forwards to. am I done blogging No I have found some thing new to blog about with my dinners I make what is it I will be doing.. cleaning my house one room at a time some thing I have not been able to do for months, You know that deep down cleaning like the base boards and light bulbs the doors and door jams. every closet every nook and cranny. how long will it take I am not sure it sounds over whelming right at this min but I am going to brake it down in to one thing one day. My Joy today I got to talk to mercy she is so uplifting and is such a big help, I don't use her real name because I should ask her if its OK before I do that.
I learned that 21 days brakes a habit not PTSD which really took a load off my mind because I thought I failed because I was not ALL BETTER.. but I will say in finding my JOY I found Hope and its true if you don't have HOPE you have nothing. if you have lost all hope start by finding your small joy in the day and you will see after a while your hope just shows up.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


Ok lets start with dinner I made baked Ziti Supreme and steamed broccoli no desert husband said with all this cooking he has gained 10 lbs. How do I feel still not real good but am I getting better yes I think so I am able to sleep at least 5 hours a night in stead of none at all. I have to look hard to find my Joy but I have found some thing every day to make me smile. My Joy today to Hear my grandsons laughter when all I said was bo bo bo bo and I got a belly roll laugh from a 11 month old that you thought just heard the funnest thing in the whole world. He laughed so hard you had to laugh with him, he is my Joy. and I got a text message from my 15 year old granddaughter asking me if I have learned to text yet. and since I had to have my son show me how to find the text on my cell phone and he had to read to me what she wrote because I didn't have my glass's on. I laughed when I got on the computer and emailed her and said sorry honey old people don't know how to text.
Which now that I think about it this whole thing is amazing my grandmother just passed away 7 months ago she was 94. I tried to get her to email some one and you would have thought I brought black magic in to the house. In her day you just picked up the phone if you had one.

Monday, September 14, 2009


Its been 19 days now I didn't think I would make it at first BUT I did.. Just 2 more days to and it will be 21 days a few days missing but,like I said I had a few set backs. Do I feel better some times not all day but I am not in bed all day that is a big big change and I am sleeping about 5 hours a night and that is a big change, I am still talking to mercy and working through my PTSD.
as for dinner tonight its corn on the cob and chicken and a dinner salad. The kids have moved out that should be my joy today. but it wasn't. My Joy today was found hiding behind my grandsons smile, as I gave him a bath in the sink and he stood up and peeed clear a cross the kitchen, he had the biggest grin on his face like look what I can do.. How can you not laugh at that.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


Well for dinner tonight some thing special, big Mac's and Fry's.. OK I hear ya that's not home made but I did take it out of the bag and out of the box's and put them on plates and sat the table like I had made dinner. and we pretended I did. I don't feel very well today and my husband took pity on me and brought home dinner. am I getting better I think so I think to say this will only take 21 days was a little to short at first it sounded like a long time but right now I am not so sure, I did have a few set backs my mother died and the kids and there kids moved back home so I didn't get the time I needed so I am going to stay with this any way. wow I guess I have learned some thing some thing happens its a set back not an OH MY GOD LAY DOWN AND DIE. Did I find my Joy today yes my daughter in law has been wanting the baby who is now 11 months to say mamamamam but of course he says da da da da but today he did it. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee my self. He said mamamam all right but his tounge was hanging out and off the side and he crossed his eyes. Oh my God I am laughing thinking about that awfull face he was making as he was saying mamamama My daughter in law just hung her head and said why is he making that face saying mamam she now wants him to say da da da

Friday, September 11, 2009


OK BUSTED AGAIN its been a few days since I signed in to do this but its been crazy around here. My daughter in law is 9 months due and ready to pop any min plus she has a 11 month old we are chasing after and when I say chasing I mean chasing you call him and he will turn his head look at you and RUN THE OTHER WAY. I don't feel good and his mama doesn't feel good and I think he knows it, so he trys to get away with a lot. Plus being grandma what I think is cute and he should eat and what his mama thinks is cute and he should NOT eat will lets just say grandma sneaks him a lot of stuff, but I feel that is a grandma's Job, what happens at grandma's stays at grandma's. So for dinner tonight is a chicken salad easy to fix and a one bowl deal. desert ice cream. I just pray my daughter in law doesn't notice all the little bites taken out of the ice cream that her 11 month old had.. I have no clue why he wouldn't go to bed last night or why he runs after me when I head for the kitchen, I am just glad he cant talk. and I do make sure we wash down what ever he eats with a little water or formula so mama cant smell his breath..
My Joy to day getting to talk to mercy who has really instilled in me there is life after PTSD
That if you look hard enough you can find Joy in some small thing. I was feeding my grandson a bottle and I looked down at him and he was just staring at me our eyes met he never looked away, and as I stared back at him I asked him "what do you see baby boy" and he just looked at me, like I was some one I don't know and I would like to get to know that person that baby See's

Monday, September 7, 2009


OK OK I know its been a few days I am going to call them just lost days of mess. am I still working on my PTSD yes I am Very hard and its hard work. I still don't have my neck in right so my head hurts but I am up and today I made my shopping list and its back to dinner and desert.
dinner a chicken stir fry desert strawberry cheese cake. I am tired and working hard to learn to sleep at night. with all that has gone on and all the stress of this last week I have to say since I started this 16 days ago I think I am getting better, If I can get my weight down and my head to stop hurting and sleep a little more I will be doing great. This healing PTSD is a lot of work but it took a lot of work to get us here, I was mad for a long long time some one else did this to me and now I suffer for it and not only do I suffer for it its my Job to work my way out. THAT'S NOT FAIR.. but yelling and screaming that didn't help. I had to look at it different I survived, some of the kids in our family didn't, I learned and I am a good person I desire to live and be happy. BE HAPPY.. That's the big one and some times we have to Learn to be happy.
My joy today I got a big smile from my grandson and I know it was for me not the cookie I was holding for him..

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


OK SORRY EVERY ONE if any one is reading this I missed day 14, my mother died she was the reason I have PTSD and it has thrown me for a loop plus the same day my brothers house almost got burnt down, then my son and his wife their 10 month old baby and she is due in 2 weeks had to move in with us, so needless to say STRESS STRESS STRESS.. but I got up and I made dinner last night fry ed chicken mashed potatoes Garvey. and chocolate pudding with a toddler at my feet, and my son very unhappy. did I feel like getting up today no but I did .. did I make dinner tonight yes was is fancy no but it was dinner pigs in a blanket and mac and cheese.
do I want to give up yes.. am I going to NO HELL NO.. We all have set backs but move on so that is what I am going to do move on. That is what we need to do with PTSD is move on get up. OK we are sick and don't want to move DON'T LET THEM WIN.. we have all ready won we survived life goes go. so let your life be happy not sad. Did I find Joy today yes I did I watched my grandson who is 10 months old walk clear across the room by him self and be so proud he did that one thing. I smiled.. OK to be honest did I smile when we gave him a bath in the kitchen sick and he stood up and shot pee clear across the contour Hmmm Yes I did because again he gave the look as if to say LOOK WHAT I CAN GO.. How can you not laugh at that..

Sunday, August 30, 2009


I FAILED I didn't make dinner last night I was just to tired I don't want to lie and say I did when I didn't. but I will get right back up start again do I feel like it no I all most feel like I am starting over but I know now what stress can do to you that is why you must learn to deal with the stress. so what is for dinner T bones and baked potoes and string beans. I have made that once in the last 13 days again but it sounds good and easy to get back started on life.


12 days its seems like longer I am really working at fighting this, I made dinner last night it was left overs but I made it look fresh and taste good, today has been a long day we had a death in the family and the family is all in a up roar and attacking each other which doesn't help my PTSD but I have learned to take a step back and say do what is right for me. Let them fight let them fix. I am no longer in that roll. and that is a big change for me and hard because I want to jump right in and fix it but I am taking all my power to stay out of it. That is better for me they will figure it out.

Thursday, August 27, 2009


I hate to sound down today but I am I felt like doing nothing. worse I had no energy to do nothing. My weight issue is getting HUGE.. I AM HUGE. But I did find some Joy today I talked to my daughter of the phone for 3 hours she makes me laugh. in tell she told me she is huge at a whooping 140 lbs Lucky her.. I did make dinner and there was desert left from last night so husband had that. Please don't think no wonder she is gaining weight she is eating all this food because I am not eating it I am making it. if you are have PTSD and have a weight issue its because of the PTSD not what your putting in your mouth in less you are over eating. Me I eat less then 600 calories a day and gain weight. Mercy will call me tomorrow and help me out with this huge issue so I do have something to look forward to.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


Day 10 wow and 11 to go, was today easy no there was a lot of stress with in the family I didn't handle it very well and it triggered me to have a PTSD attack hard and stay in it most of the day.
but I made my self make dinner and desert any way and of course on the worse day I picked a desert that took 4 hours to make its called a sweet petal and its all home made dough you have to let rise twice and then cook but for dinner I made that easy I made spaghetti, How do I feel I didn't get much sleep last night because of the family stress but if I really think about it I must feel better because I didn't stay in bed all day or I didn't spend the day crying. I just kept moving. I emailed mercy to get a little help to get through this hard time and of course she came through for me. I cant seem to handle any more stress in my life but when its your kids you cant just cut them off. I will see what tomorrow brings.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009


HEY I THINK THIS IS WORKING... I slept last night and decided this morning to make a goal for today and see if that goal will bring me Joy and it did I know my goal is to make dinner every night but I felt so good this morning I decided to add to it today. so I decide to clean my house I am a clean freak and have not had the energy or felt up to cleaning it. I knew I would not be able to clean all day an 8 hour day like I used to so I set the oven timer for 3 hours. and to see if I could clean for just 3 hours and how much I could get done but I was going to hurry hurry hurry I was going to take my time. well I got 3 bathrooms cleaned and my bed room and the kitchen and the house dusted. doesn't sound like a lot but when I clean I clean the the light bulbs I dust over the top of doors I wash walls and always mop the floors on my hands and knees. I thought it would take me 3 hours just to do one bath room did I find joy in doing that yes i did I am very proud of my self and yes I made dinner T bone steak fresh string beans and baked potoes. ice cream for desert. and you know I feel better today My weight is still up there and is a big issue with me but I didn't feel like laying down. I cant wait for tomorrow what a big change.

Monday, August 24, 2009


DEEP SIGH... Its been 8 days now I have found some kind of Joy in each day and made dinner to many it might not sound like a big deal but to me its HUGE. For dinner tonight its Lemon chicken - corn on the cob- desert pudding. Did I find my Joy today yes I did My daughter who lives in another state got her birthday gift I sent her today, and she called and thanked me. The gift I sent her was Her baby blanket that my grandma made her. My daughter was my grandmas first great grandchild, and my daughter always called it her great grandma blanket I have saved it for over 32 years well my daughter wont be happy but its her 32 birthday she thinks she is old I hope she doesn't read this. We just lost grandma jan of 2009 she was 94 years old. It was an awful awful loss for me she was smart and pretty. and lived on her own in tell she passed she was truly a lady and any thing good I got out of my child hood came from her and her love. So I found Joy today in knowing my daughter got to know my grandma and love her as much as I did and my daughters daughter got to know her great great grandma My granddaughter who is now 15 will always remember her great great grandma she will tell you she made GREAT OAT MEAL.. So in stead of tears being shed over the loss of this wonderful women I got a huge smile when my daughter called and said Thank you mom for my great grandma blanket.
It was hard to let that blanket leave my hands but it was not mine to keep. I know in my heart my grandma found Joy in that to where ever she is.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


Ok here it is a week has gone by. Made dinner every night even if it was left overs. I made it I LIVED.. Some days I didnt think I could do it but I did. Tonight I made velveeta cheesy chicken broccoli macaroni dish it was easy to make but hard to clean up it stuck to the pan. Now you ask did I find my Joy today yes I did I talked with my sister who lives in a different state we have never met, we had the same bio-father I was not raised with him. she was. He is gone now but we found each other and to make a long long story short we email each other every day but today she called me and we talked and laughed YES I LAUGHED for hours. I have not Laughed in such a long time. It felt good to talk and compare our kids and our ailments. Plus last night after I had signed off of here, my 10 month old grandson and his father my son where at the door. I watched the baby for him so he could go and visit a friend for an hour. My grandson's smile when he saw me was My Joy for last night and I got a bigger Joy out of giving him a cookie at 9:00 at night ha ha its fun to be grandma.. wonder what time the sugar ware off so he could fall asleep.. now that right there will but a smile on any moms face or grandma's... what happens at grandmas stays at grandmas.. I am just glad he cant talk yet and tell on me for giving him a cookie so late at night.. wow I think I am feeling better and for the first time in a long time I am wondering what tomorrow will bring in stead of dreading tomorrow.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Day 6 working through PTSD

I have made it 6 days now I have to say today was a little easier. Like I said some thing is starting to shift and I hope it continues, I slept again last night 2 nights in a row what a miracle that is. I made dinner tonight all do french dip roast beef sandwiches and a cake for desert. I even manged to go to the store, and read some things on the computer. I got out of bed and have not been back to lay down all day. I found the Joy in my husband loving the fact he is getting a hot home made dinner every night. I found a little energy to even iron his work shirts did I find joy in ironing funny thing is I did. because it makes him look and feel good which in return made me feel good. All so I found a card by the coffee pot this morning for me from my husband telling me what a good job I am doing. do I feel perfect no not by far but will I YES YES I WILL and I never thought I would say that. I am hoping to get a good nights sleep tonight to tomorrow I can go and pick up my 10 month old grandson and watch him for a while to see what I can learn from him again or just to watch him smile because he learned some thing new how can you not find Joy in that.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Day 5 working through PTSD

well here we are on day 5 I cant say I feel any better but there has been some kind of shift. I slept 12 hours last night and today I have not slept that long for while over 7 years. I didn't want to get up. But my guardian angel Mercy as I call her was going to call at 1:30 and there was no way I was going to miss that call. We talked what a blessing she is I found Joy in talking to her. When I hung up the phone I thought there is no way I can cook dinner I am tired sleeping 2 hours a night and some times going days with out sleep that 12 hours was wonderful and I wanted more more more. But I planted my feet firm and decided even though the dinner I picked for tonight was hard I WAS going to do it, I feel one missed day will lead to many and not brake the pattern. so I did it I made stuffed beef rolls sounds easy but takes over an hour to make and stuff and then an hour to bake. But I did it and I am proud of my self for doing that.
I am starting to wonder what else can I do if I put my mind to it my mind has been such an enemy of mine I have been for years trying not to think not to feel those things don't feel good and the thoughts are bad. but I see after 5 days that good can come out of this. its slowly happening I feel like a baby chick tiring to crack my egg shell to get the hell out of that awful space. I really like the story of the butterfly. do you know how hard it is and painful to become a butterfly. You start out as a Caterpillar and crawl around and eat and when you feel your ready you build a cocoon a round your self and hang around on some branch for a while and in side that cocoon that poor Caterpillar starts to brake apart and pull and stretch its body has to change how painful to crack open and parts of your body fall off and you grow wings then your to big for your cocoon so you have to now eat your way out of your nest you must have felt safe in when you made it. but then it happens out you pop and you spread your wings and the sun drys them and you are no longer crawling on the ground you are flying. That's what I want to fly.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Day 4 still looking to work through this PTSD

Well here we are on day 4 I have to admit I dreaded today because I knew I had to leave my bed at 9 in the morning and I really don't feel well but have made my mind up I will make dinner every night but today I have a doctors appointment at 4;00 so there was no way I could get home on time and make dinner and desert. I was making bar-b-Que pork sandwich's and the pork roasts have to cook on the gas grill for at least 2 hours, on top of that for desert it was a toffee cake all home made so that would take at least an hour and half. I drug my self out of bed wondering if all of this was a good idea. The not feeling well the foggy brain I thought I cant live like this any more. I remembered my grandson after falling down getting back up and trying to walk again so dinner was going to be made, I got the pork on the grill and started dessert I emailed mercy for some words of wisdom which I got I feel she is my own personal cheer leader and if any one is ever going to recover from PTSD I think you need a cheer leader like her.
The pork was done in two hours I shredded it and put it in the crock pot with the bar-b-Que sauce and put the lid on desert came out of the oven and there at 12 o'clock dinner and desert was done did I still feel tired and sick yes. But I also felt the joy of doing it I made it and still could go to the doctor be home at 5;30 and have dinner on the table. I am learning you cant just will your self better or plop your hinny in front of a doctor and say fix me. You have to learn how to fix your self am I there yet no not even close but what is there now is hope I had lost all hope and now even when I cant feel the joy there is hope that I will find some kind of Joy each day.
When I was at the doctors a lady smiled at me I wonder did she know I met my goal today I made dinner.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Well its day 3 and I didn't spend it in bed all day. Mercy is the name of the lady who is helping me through this very awful PTSD. I call her Mercy because she not only told me there is a way out she is taking my hand and showing me the way out and I feel that is so important not to just understand PTSD and say yes I feel like that to but to have some one say Hey I made it through let me help you. Mercy its showing some one Mercy so I feel that is a good name for her.
I have 21 days to brake the pattern of staying in bed and feeling sick. I was going to cook dinner for 21 days straight which is a big deal if you feel the way I do. But since I cooked for 2 nights we have left overs so to I found Joy in watching my 10 month old grandson did I have the energy NO, did I feel good NO, but I took care of him for 6 hours played with him and watched him smile, I watched him try and walk he took 5 steps and was so proud of him self he looked at me with eyes wide open his eye brows went up and down as to say HEY LOOK WHAT I JUST DID.
did I feel Joy no, I felt sad when he fall down and was disappointed and mad at him self and I thought just stay down you wont fall and get hurt that way and you can crawl. and it hit me OH MY GOD THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING. Just staying down and not even trying to crawl, as I watched him he tried again took a few steps and I found my self smiling hey I don't feel good and I am so wore out but I found some joy in the day. a 10 month old baby taught me to not give up just cause you fall just get up and try again. So tomorrow I will get up and try again and see if I can find Joy in the day. Wonder what I will make for dinner ? see you tomorrow

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


TODAY IS AUGUST 19 2009, no sleep but I will make dinner it took me all day to get out of bed I wonder is this going to work I emailed my friend who was the hand of mercy to hold mine and to say this will work I have done it. Her name is now Mercy. she said it takes time remember 21 days. I see no joy in wanting to get out of bed and cook dinner I only feel sick and want to lay down. but I did it I made pizza casserole and a salad I didn't think so at the time I was making it but when I saw my husbands eyes light up wow a home made dinner again I saw the Joy. and felt a little proud OK so I am still in my PJ's but 2 dinners down I hope this works.


Today is Aug18 2009 I want to first say I have had PTSD for 48 and half years. It got to the point were 6 years ago I could no longer get out of bed all the child hood trauma haunted me every min of every day and night. I say night because with the PTSD which is bad enough I have insomnia the longest I went with out sleep 17 days. do I take meds yes by the hands full do they work NO. I finally found some one to help me out of my coma self hating sick body and mind. I have only just started this so every day will be new. I have decided to cook dinner every night for 21 days. To brake the cycle of dread and to make be put a crack in the darkness. They say you cant go to any kind of doctor or meds to fix this thing called PTSD you have to fight your way out and how do you do that when you have no fight left. That is why I am calling my blog Mercy because some one reached out to me and showed me mercy and is trying to help me fight my way back.. Back is really not the right word more like move forward find my way out of this awful feeling. So today and it took me all day I got up and got out my recipes and made a list, drug my self to the store and tonight I am making cashew chicken and cumber salad. Its all about finding Joy some thing in the Day that brings you a small amount of Joy. This is not easy because I don't feel Joyful I feel sick and tired fatigued and my mind is in a fog. But I got Joy out of watching my husband eat a home cooked meal. so one day down and twenty to go. I am told it takes 21 days to brake a pattern is PTSD a Pattern I don't know all I know is the old tapes running in my head seem to be so I am going to try and change the channel.