Wednesday, August 19, 2009


Well its day 3 and I didn't spend it in bed all day. Mercy is the name of the lady who is helping me through this very awful PTSD. I call her Mercy because she not only told me there is a way out she is taking my hand and showing me the way out and I feel that is so important not to just understand PTSD and say yes I feel like that to but to have some one say Hey I made it through let me help you. Mercy its showing some one Mercy so I feel that is a good name for her.
I have 21 days to brake the pattern of staying in bed and feeling sick. I was going to cook dinner for 21 days straight which is a big deal if you feel the way I do. But since I cooked for 2 nights we have left overs so to I found Joy in watching my 10 month old grandson did I have the energy NO, did I feel good NO, but I took care of him for 6 hours played with him and watched him smile, I watched him try and walk he took 5 steps and was so proud of him self he looked at me with eyes wide open his eye brows went up and down as to say HEY LOOK WHAT I JUST DID.
did I feel Joy no, I felt sad when he fall down and was disappointed and mad at him self and I thought just stay down you wont fall and get hurt that way and you can crawl. and it hit me OH MY GOD THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING. Just staying down and not even trying to crawl, as I watched him he tried again took a few steps and I found my self smiling hey I don't feel good and I am so wore out but I found some joy in the day. a 10 month old baby taught me to not give up just cause you fall just get up and try again. So tomorrow I will get up and try again and see if I can find Joy in the day. Wonder what I will make for dinner ? see you tomorrow

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