Tuesday, August 18, 2009
TODAY IS AUGUST 19 2009, no sleep but I will make dinner it took me all day to get out of bed I wonder is this going to work I emailed my friend who was the hand of mercy to hold mine and to say this will work I have done it. Her name is now Mercy. she said it takes time remember 21 days. I see no joy in wanting to get out of bed and cook dinner I only feel sick and want to lay down. but I did it I made pizza casserole and a salad I didn't think so at the time I was making it but when I saw my husbands eyes light up wow a home made dinner again I saw the Joy. and felt a little proud OK so I am still in my PJ's but 2 dinners down I hope this works.
Today is Aug18 2009 I want to first say I have had PTSD for 48 and half years. It got to the point were 6 years ago I could no longer get out of bed all the child hood trauma haunted me every min of every day and night. I say night because with the PTSD which is bad enough I have insomnia the longest I went with out sleep 17 days. do I take meds yes by the hands full do they work NO. I finally found some one to help me out of my coma self hating sick body and mind. I have only just started this so every day will be new. I have decided to cook dinner every night for 21 days. To brake the cycle of dread and to make be put a crack in the darkness. They say you cant go to any kind of doctor or meds to fix this thing called PTSD you have to fight your way out and how do you do that when you have no fight left. That is why I am calling my blog Mercy because some one reached out to me and showed me mercy and is trying to help me fight my way back.. Back is really not the right word more like move forward find my way out of this awful feeling. So today and it took me all day I got up and got out my recipes and made a list, drug my self to the store and tonight I am making cashew chicken and cumber salad. Its all about finding Joy some thing in the Day that brings you a small amount of Joy. This is not easy because I don't feel Joyful I feel sick and tired fatigued and my mind is in a fog. But I got Joy out of watching my husband eat a home cooked meal. so one day down and twenty to go. I am told it takes 21 days to brake a pattern is PTSD a Pattern I don't know all I know is the old tapes running in my head seem to be so I am going to try and change the channel.